Category Archives: Funny

Are you suffering from FWP?

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Funniest short story I’ve ever read — in my life…

Mike Resnick wrote a story for “Beyond the Sun”, an anthology with a ton of great authors. I’ve only read his story, titled, “Observation Post”.

Hat Tip to Carol Kean for bringing this to my attention.  I now feel like giving up writing, it was so good.  But I won’t, there’s too much money in being an indie author.  Next week, if things go the way I hope with my sales in the United States and Europe, I’m hoping to buy some gum. Not just any gum, either: Hubba Bubba. That’s right baby…

beyond_the_sun

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Ok, now this was funny

Ten People You Don’t Want To Meet At a Writer’s Group

http://theophanes.hubpages.com/hub/Ten-People-You-Dont-Want-to-Meet-at-a-Writers-Group

 

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Sniglet of the day: kjfs

kjfs (ka’jufs) -n. Word with a dotted red line under it, temporarily used in emails to ensure the last word you typed underwent spell checking.

Synonyms

1. kjaq, jfjf, asdf, oiqjew, ajf. 2. jxjpo, jljas, kasjvd. 3. iew, aqq, zzz

 

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Author Linda Welch reposted my St. Patrick’s Day story

Is it not the height of vanity that I’m linking to someone who’s linking to me?  Oh well, I’m vain.

http://lindadwelch.com/2014/03/wherever-you-go-and-whatever-you-do-may-the-luck-of-the-irish-be-there-with-you/

 

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Filed under Blogging, Funny

Well it finally happened: I was recognized in public

I’m not sure how to say this without sounding like I’m bragging, but yesterday, while I was out in public at the mall, I was recognized by a reader.

Here’s how it went down:
I was standing in line at one of the little Starbucks stands, when out of nowhere, a woman came up with a Barnes & Noble bag in her hand.
“Excuse me,” she said, a bit shyly. “Your name isn’t John L. Monk, is it?”
I smiled and said, “Why yes, it is. You know, this is the first time I’ve been recog–”
It’s me, Jill!” she said. “We went to high school together!”

So hang in there, fellow authors. If it happened to me, it can happen to you.

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Helping People In Need

Sometimes, when I’m walking the Earth and getting in adventures, I come across people in need.

Just the other day, I found a man stuck on a busy highway trying to get his car going.  He’d do with the key and it’d turn over like it wanted to start, but it wouldn’t. Then he’d do it again for more of the same.  Eventually, the battery died altogether.

Sighing, I leaned down and knocked on the driver’s side window. The man rolled it down.

“Can I help you?” he said, visibly irritated.

“Help me?” I said, with a knowing smirk. “I think you need a little more help than me, am I right?”

The man looked skeptical. “You know how to fix cars?”

“No, but I used to watch Happy Days.”

Then I leaned over the hood, bopped the sweet spot with my fist and said, “Aaaaaaay…”

The car roared to life.

“Wow, thanks mister!” the guy said, and drove away.

Over my goddamned foot.

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Best-of album ftw…

So what do your favorite bands do when they want to make a bunch of money but they don’t want to do any new work?  Why, they create a “best-of” album, of course. Or at least, they used to.  These days, a lot of people buy music one song at a time and make their own “album.”  Anyway, to those new to the blog, here’s what various family members, co-workers, luckless neighbors and fair-weather friends were forced to admit was “ok, I guess…we done here?”

Enjoy:

https://john-l-monk.com/2013/09/16/disturbing-incident-at-work-today-they-found-out-im-a-writer/
https://john-l-monk.com/2013/09/24/ten-years-from-now/
https://john-l-monk.com/2013/11/26/exclusive-questions-and-answers-with-john-l-monk/
https://john-l-monk.com/2013/12/09/hopeless-romantic-you-decide/
https://john-l-monk.com/2013/10/28/the-truth-about-the-john-l-monk-steroid-scandal/
https://john-l-monk.com/2014/01/12/how-i-almost-sold-out-to-big-publishing/
https://john-l-monk.com/2013/09/22/lay-it-on-me/
https://john-l-monk.com/2014/01/11/the-dangerers-and-joys-of-writing-in-a-coffee-shop/
https://john-l-monk.com/2013/12/23/my-gift-to-writers-everywhere-agent-query-letter-template/
https://john-l-monk.com/2013/12/17/top-story-the-new-face-of-homelessness/

https://john-l-monk.com/2014/02/13/valentines-day-alone/

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Filed under Best Of, Funny

An SEO-aware short story

The other day in Washington DC, hanging out with my Democrat and Republican friends on Earth Day over at Starbucks, while talking about automobile insurance companies like Geico, Allstate, Progressive and State Farm, a man walked in wearing Nikes, Calvin Klein, and an Emporio Armani watch.

He looked at the watch.

“Wow, it’s almost time to put on the Oprah Winfrey Show,” he shouted for all to hear.

One of the people listening was hard of hearing, so she put in her hearing aid.  The hearing aid she put in was not a Phonak, Unitron, ReSound, Simens, Sonic Innovations, Starkey, or an Oticon hearing aid.  It was a Widex hearing aid.  Which, as everyone knows, is a great hearing aid — unlike Phonak, Unitron, ReSound, Simens, Sonic Innovations, and Starkey, which are inferior to Widex.

Suddenly, someone turned on the Oprah Winfrey Show, which people liked more than Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, and Justified.

And then the aliens attacked (using missile systems far superior to those produced by Lockheed Martin, Northrup Grumman, and Raytheon).

Why?  They hated the Oprah Winfrey Show.

“Damn you aliens!” shouted Tom Cruise, who was hanging out with Matt Damon, Bruce Willis and George Takei.

Then the aliens changed their minds and went home (to a galaxy far, far away).

— The End —

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Filed under Funny, Writing Market

Poll: what do I call my millions of fans?

Justin Bieber has his “beliebers.”

Lady Gaga has her “little monsters.”

Star Wars has its “Trekkers.” (heh)

The Pope has his “Catholics” and PETA has its “Naked Celebrities” (added here for SEO reasons).

All this begs the question: who are the fans of “John L. Monk?”

My wife said I shouldn’t add a poll to my blog yet. She said if I only got 3 votes, everyone would laugh.

So I did what any man would do and totally ignored her advice:

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