Category Archives: Funny

The superiority of eBooks over paper books

A quick disclaimer before I get started.  I wrote and published “Kick” as an eBook, and though I have plans to release it as a physical, paper book, for now it’s available in digital format only (wherever eBooks are sold! Except Sony!). So it could be construed that the following list of pros and/or cons is somehow self-serving, and designed for the sole purpose of  funneling sales to my book, “Kick” (just follow the links over on the right for 260 pages of raw, sugary joy).

For the record: no, I’m not trying to steer sales to what may or may not be one of the greatest novels in the history of Western Civilization, and which can be purchased today, this very second, for $2.99 in digital format (while supplies last).

All that said, here’s why digital books are far superior to moldy old traditional books:

  1. It’s a little known fact that most, if not all, books with paper pages are assembled from trees ripped directly from the rain forests. After the trees are taken, the villagers, forced to do the work, are “disappeared” to keep word from getting out.
  2. With eBooks, there’s no child labor involved.  With paper books, the tiny threading of spine to page requires a delicate touch, and publishers have whole warehouses full of kids working 24×7 to fill the demand.  It’s said that when the kids turn ten years old, hormones are added to their diet of slurry and water to stunt their growth.  Who wants to be part of that? Not me…
  3. When you’re sitting at Starbucks, do you really want to be seen with an old, chewed-up and dogeared copy of your favorite book? These days, style is important. If you’re a guy, you’d meet more women if you were reading “Kick” on a Kindle Fire, or maybe an iPad. And it’s cheaper than a Ferrari, am I right?
  4. Many years ago, I was reading a book I’d foolishly borrowed from the library. Out of nowhere, I sustained a paper cut. Needless to say, the cut became infected and I had to be rushed to the hospital.  The ambulance ran every red light to get there, and the driver accidentally cut off a school bus packed with orphans. The bus swerved to avoid the ambulance and ended up in a ditch.  The orphans were ok, thank God. But a bunch of would-be parents, who were waiting for the orphans over at the orphan/parent exchange, got tired of waiting and they all went home. Net result? No orphans got adopted, and I have a scar from that paper cut to this very day.

There are thousands of stories like these, but I skipped my lunch to write this and now I’m peckish. I’ve said what I needed to say, your choices are your own, and my conscience is now clear.

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Tale of survival: Arctic Vortex 2, 11:46 a.m.

The federal government closed, lots of businesses have closed (including the company I work for), and of course schools.  But for whatever reason, I came to work anyway.

I just looked out the window at the hell that is Arctic Vortex 2.  If I need to, I know I can clean out a few unguarded candy dishes, and the water should be potable for a while. If necessary, I can hit up the refrigerators for stuff that didn’t get thrown out on Friday.

As I sit here watching the water bead on the window and arguably visible snow accumulate in the empty parking spots, the one thought I have is for the wife I left at home this morning…

The horror...

The horror…

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The war between Ireland and the United States

luckyAn author and blogger friend of mine, David Lawlor, has recently hung out his shingle as an editor of fiction.  As many of you are aware, David hails from the mythical land to the east called “Ireland.”  There, cloistered in a cold, dank castle, he writes a fascinating history blog.

Many years ago, before I made my zillions as an independent author, I wrote freelance history for one of the largest history clearinghouses in Spokane Rhode Island. The details aren’t important, but what I’m about to say is.  Shortly before my breakthrough novel, “Kick”, while pouring through dusty old tomes and ledgers, I came across a little known episode in American history which has since been hushed up: in 1897, Ireland declared war on the United States.

The president at the time was William McKinley. Now, as everyone knows, McKinley was one of the least warmongering of the U.S. presidents, and had a kindly disposition in all things except one: everyone knew to never, ever ever, interrupt him during breakfast. The staff in the White House had even placed a sign outside the presidential dining room reading, “Do Not Interrupt Breakfast.”

One day (a terrible day that shall live in infamy), President McKinley was eating breakfast and “minding his own business” as the press reported it, when, out of nowhere, a tiny little man in a green outfit popped up — as if by magic — and stole his Lucky Charms.

The documents reveal an angry, vengeful president who immediately sent warships to blockade the small island.  Back then, Ireland was mostly cut off from the Western World. What little trade they had with anyone was centered around shamrock production — until McKinley, in his rage, had the farms destroyed in a series of devastating night raids.

The furious Irish people invaded the U.S. through a magical rainbow that spanned from Belfast to Fort Knox.  Millions of angry, red-headed Irishmen poured through, slashing and butchering their way towards Washington. McKinley was terrified.  He sent his best troops down — only to have them captured and left tied and gagged on the side of the road wearing hilarious green hats (years later, these “green berets” would learn brawling tactics from the Irish and become a mighty fighting force, but that’s another story).

When the mob got to Washington, the angriest Irishman with the reddest hair banged on the White House door and yelled, “Come out of there you son of a bitch! You’re gonna pay for what you did to my sister’s shamrock farm!”

What happened after has been mostly lost to history.  Rumor has it McKinley was made to hand over a generous weight in gold from Fort Knox. Whatever the truth of that, there can be no doubt he was forced to declare March 17th a holiday, so that we Americans will never forget the destruction of all those shamrock farms.

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Tell me what you want, what you really really want

To think 157 months have passed since that cold, sad day in December, 2000, when Posh, Ginger, Scary, Sporty and Baby announced the Spice Girls as a group were taking an indefinite hiatus.

Like most Americans, I remember where I was when the news broke — standing in a bakery buying raspberry danishes for some of the fellas down at the filling station. The town bakery was a lively place, with pagers going off all the time over one fool thing or another. So when I heard three of the little gizmos beeping away at the back of a line, at first I thought nothing of it. Then a woman pushed into the store with a hand to her ear, cradling a Startac Cellular Telephone.

“It’s over,” the woman cried, snapping her phone shut with shaking hands and pushing the antenna down in stunned disbelief. “The Spice Girls… they’ve gone and flown back to England…”

Then she burst into wracking sobs of cataclysmic loss while the good people in the bakery crowded around her. They offered words of comfort, to her and each other. And you know what? It was enough.

People were different back then.  They pulled together when things got tough.  And as hard as it was dealing with the loss of  Sporty, my favorite (she could take a punch and still keep perfect pitch), I knew the hardest hit would be the young girls who looked up to them for fashion tips and philosophy stuff.

At the end of the day, we did what we as a people always do. We hugged our children and told them we loved them. We went to our jobs and rebuilt from what was left. We never forgot, but we endured.

As Americans.

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How I almost sold out to Big Publishing

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About a month ago, I went to publish my book, “Kick,” with one of the Big City Publishing houses, but they asked me to take a dive — to make room for a love story about a zombie and a sparkling vampire and their quest to find a werewolf with a dragon tattoo.

At the time, I agreed to take the chump change they were offering to go publish on Amazon. Sure, I published on Amazon, but I did it MY way…

Continue reading

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The dangers and joys of writing in a coffee shop

One of the things I like to do is get out of my house with my trusty Mac Air and head over to a certain coffee shop, which is featured in my book, Kick.  Ah, my little neighborhood Starbucks. Dependable, and convenient, staffed by hipster employees with lots of tattoos and cool hairstyles, and really, really crappy customer service, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Often, it’s easier for me to push my daily word count if I’m writing at a coffee shop.  There’s music playing, not too loud, and usually stuff I’ve never heard but find myself enjoying anyway. There’s food and coffee and the chance to stretch my legs with the occasional trip to the counter if I so desire.  Best of all, there’s an endless parade of every conceivable walk of life a few paces from my cushy chair. For a writer, there’s nothing like people-watching when you’re writing about people.  And because I’m not home, there’s no TV to distract me or pets or family, so I have no excuse not to push that daily word count to nosebleed heights.

And then HE walks in.

You know who he is, don’t you?  He’s the guy you said “Hi” to that one time when he sat in the cushy chair next to you — like a year ago.  Or maybe you’d innocently asked, “Wow, what’s that book you’re reading?”  Whatever it was, the guy replied back–and he never shut up. He told you about his ex-wife almost immediately, then listed his problems with the government, his neighbor, his landlord, and how people had really pulled together back in WW2. Then he went on to say how  women overseas appreciated men more than American women, and then complimented you for being one of the “few smart people in the world” and how “guys like us are a dying breed” before looping back to the stuff about how awful American women were. And no matter how minimal and noncommittal your responses are, or how much you wish he’d get the hint that you didn’t want to talk, your unwillingness to tell him to shut up is just enough to keep him going on and on and on and on, and now you can’t write whatever you thought you wanted to write today, so you click open your email and text your wife, “Help, I’m prisoner at Starbucks! Please call me back for the love of God!!!”

That. Just. Happened.

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How to waste time at a job you hate

If you’re like me, you sit in traffic for an infinite number of seconds each day while hating-on people with opposing political bumper stickers.  It’s something to do, why not get your hate on?

But the fun doesn’t really begin until you get to work. Let’s assume you’re like me and you have a job on the 5th floor of a building somewhere in the Dulles Technology Corridor. And let’s say they actually pay you to ask coworkers if they want to head across the street to Starbucks rather than drink the free stuff in the kitchen.  Assuming all that, I gotta ask you: is that the best you can’t do?

Here are some other great ways to piss away good corporate dollars for most of the day while flying under the radar:

  1. Corporate-types are usually allowed to be 30 minutes late, which is basically the new “on-time.” But that doesn’t mean you can’t be a few minutes late being late. It’s not like you’re making sneakers all day in a hut! Come in every day at least 40 minutes late or don’t come in at all. Your motto should be: if management gives an inch, you take a parsec.
  2. And don’t forget to leave early, too.  Avoid the elevators and take the stairs all the way down, then skip out through the loading dock.  Works every time.
  3. Quick word about coffee: don’t be one of those shlubs who pours a cup and leaves an empty pot for everyone else.  It’s YOUR job to fill all four coffee pots, even if you have to hang out in the break area for an additional hour a day doing it.  And make sure there’s plenty of sugar packets and cream and stirrers and styrafoam cups out. Everyone will love you for your selflessness and your coffee will always be fresh. That’s a win no matter who you are.
  4. “Work from home” days must always be taken.  Be sure to let folks know the plumber/electrician/handy-man/whatever is coming over that day.  This way, you can go take a nap whenever you get tired playing video games, and if they call you or ping you via AIM or email, you have a good reason for not answering.
  5. All that coffee probably makes you go to the bathroom a lot, or at least that’s your story.  It’s your job to go to the bathroom at least 8 times a day. These days, management provides its dutiful employees with high-tech video game systems — aka., “smart phones.”  To each his or her own, but I don’t budge from that plastic seat until the Yetti shows up in Plants vs. Zombies 2.  And if you’re a real slacker, you play with the sound turned all the way up.
  6. If you simply must be at work for more than a few hours, make sure to accept as many meeting invites as possible.  It’s an easy hour to mark on your weekly status report, and if you’re smart, you can push most meetings into overtime by getting an executive to talk about his or her kids. Then just doodle around on your smart phone.
  7. Call in sick a lot, and do I really have to tell you that? Whenever you fake being sick, be sure to say, “I’ll be checking my emails periodicaly, and if you need me go ahead and call.”  If you’ve gotten this far in the list, you’re barely useful to anyone at work anyway, so nobody will notice.  But this way you’ll still get credit for working from home, and you can save those sick days for when you’re REALLY sick (job interviews, turning 3-day weekends into 4-day vacations, etc.).
  8. When you’ve drank too much coffee and you’re tired of Plants vs. Zombies 2, go back to your desk and put work-related stuff up on your monitor. I’ve found graphs and spreadsheets work best. Then watch Youtube, go to Facebook, do your blog, troll people on news sites, sign petitions to save stuff, Google high school friends to see if they’re dead, shop online, etc., you get the point. If the IT guys monitor web activity, you’re on your own — if you’re a guy.  If you’re in any way “female,” talk them into getting you a faster computer and a set of noise-cancelling headphone so you can listen to Pandora in style.

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My gift to writers everywhere: agent query letter template

Everyone knows Christmas is the time for sharing, giving, and also receiving. This year I’ve received so much. I published my first novel and to my surprise it’s been well received. I know if I have any hope to keep receiving in 2014 I need to “give back” sometimes.

The agent query letter template below is my gift to the writing community, which sometimes retweets me and/or clicks “like” on my blog posts and/or clicks “like” on my facebook posts.  To the writing community, I’d like to see a little more “and” and a little less “or.”  But whatever.  That’s just how you are, I guess.

Dear [Agent’s Name],

Recently, I read a book on how to write and sell “fiction” to make money. The book said if I wanna make the big bucks I need a “literary agent.”

[Agent’s Name]: that’s where you come in.

The book went on to say that many literary agents are just failed writers who try to get rich by latching onto the success of people who actually have talent.  Now, I know that sounds bad, and trust me, I don’t think the author of that book was talking about you personally. But it has to be true for some agents, doesn’t it?  And let’s just assume it’s true in your case and you have no talent. Is that such a bad thing? Why not take me on as a “client,” and we’ll ride the gravy train to riches and fame together? You don’t have to be a failure forever—and neither do I!

The title of my book is [Book Title].  We can change the title to anything, I don’t care. It’s the “contents” of a book that matter, right? [Book Title] is an action-packed, fast-paced, rip-roaring adventure/mystery that’s hilarious yet sometimes sad.  And yes, I can take out any sad parts if needed, no worries. I only threw them in to get more women to read the book.

Last but not least, I just want to assure you that I ran spell check on the book like 10 times using Microsoft Word.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

[Your Phone Number]

p.s., I’m offering 1% commission for the first 10,000 copies sold, 5% if you somehow  sell 50,000, and 10% if we crack 100,000.  But if we get up to a million sold, we need to dial things back down to 5%.  It’s still a mint though, so relax.

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Top Story: The new face of homelessness

Courtesy of freedigitalphotos.net

“Being homeless doesn’t have to suck.” — Tim Dietz
stockimages / freedigitalphotos.net

He shows up to work every day, but you won’t find Tim Dietz on the payroll at Smith, Reinholt & Sons. That’s because he’s part of a growing population of corporate-savvy homeless people living in the Dulles Technology Corridor in Northern Virginia.

“It seemed like everyone knew Timmy,” claims Sheila Elliot, former manager of Marketing at the prestigious accounting firm. “He was always there when the catering arrived, and he always seemed so positive and happy to be at work. In hindsight, I should have been more suspicious.”

When police arrested Tim for trespassing and misdemeanor theft after an anonymous tip, workers at the firm were stunned.

“We were stunned,” states Bob, who works in the Human Resources department. “In retrospect, I shouldn’t have asked him to give that presentation on teamwork at the company picnic. But to his credit, he nailed it. Productivity went up .024% that week, and I’m convinced we owe it to him. Getting the CEO to do the ‘trust fall’ with him up on the stage was sheer genius.”

Following his release on bail, Mr. Dietz agreed to tell us how he survived so easily and for so long without charity or government assistance.

“Mainly I just wandered between the various floors looking for catering or leftovers from potlucks,” he told us, without a trace of guilt. “There was almost always something going on. But even if there wasn’t, every floor had a refrigerator stocked with soft drinks, bagged lunches and condiments. Honestly, I’m glad I got caught—I was putting on too much weight.”

When asked why it took so long to catch him, Tim said, “I always wore clean clothes, which I washed at night in the sink using dish detergent from the kitchens. In-between meals, I’d walk around the building with a clipboard and act like I was busy. When I got tired, I’d head up to the 7th floor where the company added nap rooms  a few years back. I think I was the only one who ever used those nap rooms. I guess people thought if they did they’d get fired.”

We asked him if personal hygiene ever became an issue.

“They had showers in that little gym in the basement, and complimentary soap and a towel service. It was pretty sweet.”

Later, Tim confided that things weren’t always so sweet.

“One weekend, they tested the emergency generator and there was a problem and they didn’t get the power back on until Sunday. I never had any money for movies and stuff, so I’d play World of Warcraft every night on this one guy’s computer. Kind of hard to take down 25-man raid bosses without electricity, isn’t it?”

Today, Tim Dietz is repaying his debt to society with 400 hours of community service: cleaning up trash along the highways for the city.

Ever the optimist, Tim says, “It’s not so bad. When you show up, they feed you breakfast and lunch, and anything cool you find you’re allowed to keep. We only need to act busy when traffic’s heavy, and sometimes people roll down their windows and give us money.  It’s pretty sweet. After my 400 hours are up, I’ll probably keep coming back.”

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My life…is complete

There’s nothing better than this video.  Can’t smile any harder, think I cracked a tooth.

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