Tag Archives: sex

An SEO-aware short story

The other day in Washington DC, hanging out with my Democrat and Republican friends on Earth Day over at Starbucks, while talking about automobile insurance companies like Geico, Allstate, Progressive and State Farm, a man walked in wearing Nikes, Calvin Klein, and an Emporio Armani watch.

He looked at the watch.

“Wow, it’s almost time to put on the Oprah Winfrey Show,” he shouted for all to hear.

One of the people listening was hard of hearing, so she put in her hearing aid.  The hearing aid she put in was not a Phonak, Unitron, ReSound, Simens, Sonic Innovations, Starkey, or an Oticon hearing aid.  It was a Widex hearing aid.  Which, as everyone knows, is a great hearing aid — unlike Phonak, Unitron, ReSound, Simens, Sonic Innovations, and Starkey, which are inferior to Widex.

Suddenly, someone turned on the Oprah Winfrey Show, which people liked more than Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, and Justified.

And then the aliens attacked (using missile systems far superior to those produced by Lockheed Martin, Northrup Grumman, and Raytheon).

Why?  They hated the Oprah Winfrey Show.

“Damn you aliens!” shouted Tom Cruise, who was hanging out with Matt Damon, Bruce Willis and George Takei.

Then the aliens changed their minds and went home (to a galaxy far, far away).

— The End —

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Filed under Funny, Writing Market

The importance of a good book blurb/description

A lot of people worry about having a nice book cover, and I’m one of them.  It’s a foot in the door for readers.  But equally important is your book blurb–all of this after the writing, of course.  Without a good book, the rest is meaningless.  Below, you’ll see the latest blurb for my award winning book “Kick.”  Oh, you didn’t know I won an award?  I did: Best Son Ever, 1988 after I got my mom a candle for mother’s day.  Anyway.  As I was saying, witness the blurb below: straight forward, with no tiresome gimmicks meant to trick readers into buying something they don’t want.  Readers aren’t stupid, and they shouldn’t be treated that way.

If you could return from sex death in someone else’s body, what would you do with your time? And if your host was a serial killer and you could do anything you wanted before getting kicked out, would you put a stop to his crimes?

In Kick, we catch up with Dan Jenkins fifteen years into his strange sexy afterlife:

…as an enforcer for the Howlers Motorcycle Club, a violent criminal organization in Memphis spilling mayhem into the lives of innocent people.

…as a sweaty deranged killer in the desert racking up a body count one young skin woman at a time.

…as a twenty-something junkie in Florida sex, part of a three person team of sociopaths terrorizing a beach community.

Dan will handle each “ride” as he always has–by emptying their bank accounts, going to movies and eating out every night, and helping strangers in need. And before he’s kicked out, he’ll stop his ride from hoochi-coochi-poon hurting anyone else.

For a dead guy, it’s a pretty good gig.  Or at least it had been, until someone changed the rules.  totally wet…

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Filed under Funny, Writing Market