My gift to writers everywhere: agent query letter template

Everyone knows Christmas is the time for sharing, giving, and also receiving. This year I’ve received so much. I published my first novel and to my surprise it’s been well received. I know if I have any hope to keep receiving in 2014 I need to “give back” sometimes.

The agent query letter template below is my gift to the writing community, which sometimes retweets me and/or clicks “like” on my blog posts and/or clicks “like” on my facebook posts.  To the writing community, I’d like to see a little more “and” and a little less “or.”  But whatever.  That’s just how you are, I guess.

Dear [Agent’s Name],

Recently, I read a book on how to write and sell “fiction” to make money. The book said if I wanna make the big bucks I need a “literary agent.”

[Agent’s Name]: that’s where you come in.

The book went on to say that many literary agents are just failed writers who try to get rich by latching onto the success of people who actually have talent.  Now, I know that sounds bad, and trust me, I don’t think the author of that book was talking about you personally. But it has to be true for some agents, doesn’t it?  And let’s just assume it’s true in your case and you have no talent. Is that such a bad thing? Why not take me on as a “client,” and we’ll ride the gravy train to riches and fame together? You don’t have to be a failure forever—and neither do I!

The title of my book is [Book Title].  We can change the title to anything, I don’t care. It’s the “contents” of a book that matter, right? [Book Title] is an action-packed, fast-paced, rip-roaring adventure/mystery that’s hilarious yet sometimes sad.  And yes, I can take out any sad parts if needed, no worries. I only threw them in to get more women to read the book.

Last but not least, I just want to assure you that I ran spell check on the book like 10 times using Microsoft Word.

Sincerely,

[Your Name]

[Your Phone Number]

p.s., I’m offering 1% commission for the first 10,000 copies sold, 5% if you somehow  sell 50,000, and 10% if we crack 100,000.  But if we get up to a million sold, we need to dial things back down to 5%.  It’s still a mint though, so relax.

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2 Comments

Filed under Funny, Submission Tips, Tools for Writers

2 responses to “My gift to writers everywhere: agent query letter template

  1. Thanks for your gift, John, it’s just what I need, and I’m doing Control-C right now. Please send list of likely agents.

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