How to waste time at a job you hate

If you’re like me, you sit in traffic for an infinite number of seconds each day while hating-on people with opposing political bumper stickers. It’s something to do, why not get your hate on?

But the fun doesn’t really begin until you get to work. Let’s assume you’re like me and you have a job on the 5th floor of a building somewhere in the Dulles Technology Corridor. And let’s say they actually pay you to ask coworkers if they want to head across the street to Starbucks rather than drink the free stuff in the kitchen. Assuming all that, I gotta ask you: is that the best you can’t do?

Here are some other great ways to piss away good corporate dollars for most of the day while flying under the radar:

Corporate-types are usually allowed to be 30 minutes late, which is basically the new “on-time.” But that doesn’t mean you can’t be a few minutes late being late. It’s not like you’re making sneakers all day in a hut! Come in every day at least 40 minutes late or don’t come in at all. Your motto should be: if management gives an inch, you take a parsec.
And don’t forget to leave early, too. Avoid the elevators and take the stairs all the way down, then skip out through the loading dock. Works every time.
Quick word about coffee: don’t be one of those shlubs who pours a cup and leaves an empty pot for everyone else. It’s YOUR job to fill all four coffee pots, even if you have to hang out in the break area for an additional hour a day doing it. And make sure there’s plenty of sugar packets and cream and stirrers and styrafoam cups out. Everyone will love you for your selflessness and your coffee will always be fresh. That’s a win no matter who you are.
“Work from home” days must always be taken. Be sure to let folks know the plumber/electrician/handy-man/whatever is coming over that day. This way, you can go take a nap whenever you get tired playing video games, and if they call you or ping you via AIM or email, you have a good reason for not answering.
All that coffee probably makes you go to the bathroom a lot, or at least that’s your story. It’s your job to go to the bathroom at least 8 times a day. These days, management provides its dutiful employees with high-tech video game systems — aka., “smart phones.” To each his or her own, but I don’t budge from that plastic seat until the Yetti shows up in Plants vs. Zombies 2. And if you’re a real slacker, you play with the sound turned all the way up.
If you simply must be at work for more than a few hours, make sure to accept as many meeting invites as possible. It’s an easy hour to mark on your weekly status report, and if you’re smart, you can push most meetings into overtime by getting an executive to talk about his or her kids. Then just doodle around on your smart phone.
Call in sick a lot, and do I really have to tell you that? Whenever you fake being sick, be sure to say, “I’ll be checking my emails periodicaly, and if you need me go ahead and call.” If you’ve gotten this far in the list, you’re barely useful to anyone at work anyway, so nobody will notice. But this way you’ll still get credit for working from home, and you can save those sick days for when you’re REALLY sick (job interviews, turning 3-day weekends into 4-day vacations, etc.).
When you’ve drank too much coffee and you’re tired of Plants vs. Zombies 2, go back to your desk and put work-related stuff up on your monitor. I’ve found graphs and spreadsheets work best. Then watch Youtube, go to Facebook, do your blog, troll people on news sites, sign petitions to save stuff, Google high school friends to see if they’re dead, shop online, etc., you get the point. If the IT guys monitor web activity, you’re on your own — if you’re a guy. If you’re in any way “female,” talk them into getting you a faster computer and a set of noise-cancelling headphone so you can listen to Pandora in style.