The superiority of eBooks over paper books

A quick disclaimer before I get started.  I wrote and published “Kick” as an eBook, and though I have plans to release it as a physical, paper book, for now it’s available in digital format only (wherever eBooks are sold! Except Sony!). So it could be construed that the following list of pros and/or cons is somehow self-serving, and designed for the sole purpose of  funneling sales to my book, “Kick” (just follow the links over on the right for 260 pages of raw, sugary joy).

For the record: no, I’m not trying to steer sales to what may or may not be one of the greatest novels in the history of Western Civilization, and which can be purchased today, this very second, for $2.99 in digital format (while supplies last).

All that said, here’s why digital books are far superior to moldy old traditional books:

  1. It’s a little known fact that most, if not all, books with paper pages are assembled from trees ripped directly from the rain forests. After the trees are taken, the villagers, forced to do the work, are “disappeared” to keep word from getting out.
  2. With eBooks, there’s no child labor involved.  With paper books, the tiny threading of spine to page requires a delicate touch, and publishers have whole warehouses full of kids working 24×7 to fill the demand.  It’s said that when the kids turn ten years old, hormones are added to their diet of slurry and water to stunt their growth.  Who wants to be part of that? Not me…
  3. When you’re sitting at Starbucks, do you really want to be seen with an old, chewed-up and dogeared copy of your favorite book? These days, style is important. If you’re a guy, you’d meet more women if you were reading “Kick” on a Kindle Fire, or maybe an iPad. And it’s cheaper than a Ferrari, am I right?
  4. Many years ago, I was reading a book I’d foolishly borrowed from the library. Out of nowhere, I sustained a paper cut. Needless to say, the cut became infected and I had to be rushed to the hospital.  The ambulance ran every red light to get there, and the driver accidentally cut off a school bus packed with orphans. The bus swerved to avoid the ambulance and ended up in a ditch.  The orphans were ok, thank God. But a bunch of would-be parents, who were waiting for the orphans over at the orphan/parent exchange, got tired of waiting and they all went home. Net result? No orphans got adopted, and I have a scar from that paper cut to this very day.

There are thousands of stories like these, but I skipped my lunch to write this and now I’m peckish. I’ve said what I needed to say, your choices are your own, and my conscience is now clear.

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16 Comments

Filed under Funny

16 responses to “The superiority of eBooks over paper books

  1. You forgot to mention that, over time, the ink in an actual book reacts with he sweat from our fingertips and slowly breaks down to release toxic emissions that are harmful to the ozone layer. I just made that up, but who knows, it could be true…why take the chance?

  2. Dammit, a typo in the second line, and here’s me with my newly-furnished editing shingle!

  3. Thank you for opening my eyes to the horrors of paper books.

  4. I got a paper cut today while reading a foul paper book to my daughter and I thought of you. I should have heeded your warning. I have now thrown all of her books away and I’m trying to convince my husband we need a kindle fire.

  5. Glinda Harrison

    Reblogged this on The eBook Evangelist and commented:
    Ha! John L. Monk wrote a funny piece on E versus P-books and why you should buy his e-book. It is a funny read (and great book). You can also read my review of the book on my personal blog at glindaharrison.com, 🙂

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